| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2004|02:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
things I have been thinking about....
ownership of actions
upkeep of relations/keeping in touch/kit, lylas,etc.
circumstances & situations vs. attitude in creating/destroying brilliant plans and fun
the rainbow
the faux-mitzvah
parking
newness and oldness/pros and cons
old age or stages in romance
the morning: getting up or sleeping in -the pros and cons of staying out late or getting up early...social health or mental health/pro-active use of time vs. void of time
I think mostly I am concerned at the moment with the state of affairs in relation to fun.
I am not saying that I don't have it, but for a very long time my 1st thought in the morning was...." I wonder what is going to happen today? Its going to be greatest because every day is great and I only have more and more fun each day, sigh."
and sometimes I still feel that way and as discussed lately have made clear that I am trying to allow myself to transcend working while I am working-like an outer body experience. and I think that it was working on accident because I kept coming home from my new job wondering where I had been all day and what I had done-seriously I thought this. and felt confused.
but if I don't bring work home with me, it seems that I am in quite a nice place as far as mediocre jobs go. sooooo....
the issue is..why can't we bring fun wherever we go? why is where we are going and what we are doing such a pressing matter? I would think that mostly we could have fun doing anything right, but instead if no one likes the actual activity ( say....just for an example bowling, usually they go home.) free time has become too valuable.
just like the issue of telling tales and talking.
a person can't really relate the state of things unless it is appropriate action talk or it seems that the statements need a post or pre disclaimer that explains that we are just feeling "weird" maybe only I feel that way. but I think anything can be fun with a good attitude and I think that usually the unplanned things are the most fun because there is no set of rigid plans to break that manifests a hovering cloud of disappointment and resentment on an evening. and even, sometimes the worst nights turn out to be the best because you just can't believe how many things go wrong and it is so funny that you have to feel great about it. Perhaps then, the problem could turn into one having to do with expectations or self inflicted expectations.
also, where did parking go? It virtually doesn't exist. and all the illegal parking spaces that used to be a joke now result in tickets-extremely overpriced tickets for the offense of walking to your car as your meter runs out and then getting angry at your asshole law enforcer who shows no sympathy because they their heart was replaced with a black meteor. I actually didn't even get a ticket today I am only channeling the ghosts of police gone by and thinking about all the Loyola students who force me to park miles away. However, on a more positive note, they play ball in the culdusac-this is the first year I have seen such enthusiasm for outside play and a lively mischevious energy. Perhaps that university will churn out some fine young americans yet (Julie would have been fine either way)I did see some nicer bumper stickers on cars recently but to counter them there is an overpopulation of bongo players, outside my window at 3am or such time.
Being awakened by this is far less tolerable and summons virtually no compassion in comparison to being awakened by a crazy women ripping down prayer flags looking for her father, screaming and singing and talking about crack but then saying that "she was too old for this shit" until someone told her if she was too old for it that maybe she should go to bed.
Also, while thinking about parking-I find it necessary to reveal that I was dropping my friend off on Tuesday and we were talking in the car for a while. After about 20 minutes another car made clear to us that it did not appreciate being showcased by my headlights because the people were participating in some sort of dirty mystery acts below seat level. Do we think this is teens? an affair? homeless? or trying to rekindle the spontoneity in the relationship? Every once and a while I suppose I miss making out uncomfortorably or the possiblity of getting caught by the flashlight of some jerk officer but I feel like that has to do only with what I equate doing those things with-new ness. I do kind of wish that you could keep starting over with the same person. I like the person I like very much, but I never want to accidentally start taking things for granted or assuming that I know the person.(I guess knowing that means that I probably won't but...) I like those initial stages of wondering if maybe the person you like will call and maybe blowing off all your other activities or responsiblities (or sneaking out after curfew) because you can't bear to not see them, times seem more dire and responses much more extreme. That sounds like I am criticizing the relationship I have now, I'm not-I think that you get different benefits with time that seem lacking in the early stages and then you miss them a little in the later part. Like, maybe someone makes you nervous at first and so you are glad when you get comfortorable but comfort could equal taking someone for granted or taking away romance? I heard a girl in a coffee shop the other day discussing the death of romance with her friend..."come on I told her, the romance is oh-ver! Honey, you've been together for five years-you're getting married, its a thing of the past."
Holy Hell. What an awful thing to say and what apathy toward quality of life. Why would you get married if that is how you feel, procreation...Oh, that girl did say that they were no longer lovers, they were mates. dooming your life to being a business. I guess I don't really even understand romance really, in the way that I think that girl was talking about it-like movie style. Like extensiveness of valentines day surprises or something. That whole phenomenon seems like compensation for bad behavior. It means so much to people that it justifies staying with someone who does shitty things. Plus it seems like boys always get the bad side of it, like a pair of boxers.
for some reason I don't feel like posting this, its too scattered. but....I guess I'll take the plunge. |
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| Organizing could equal death. |
[Oct. 19th, 2004|12:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | crashing waves outside my window | ] |
Well, listening to crashing waves outside my window shouldn't be stressful now should it? no, it should be relaxing and vacation-like. That is what my appartment usually is to me, a retreat, or a vacation, or a fairy tale. But for some reason being busy seems to just drone those waves (that I should feel so lucky to have the providence of being near) right out. All I am seeming to hear lately is a busy buzz inside of my head that tells me a lot of daily tasks that are late, or impending or need to be filed somewhere not close enough to the end of the rainbow. I feel like analyzing a situation can be just about the worst place to be, as, often, one finds themself spending far too much time explaining a situation to others and never really thinking very efficiently about what really needs to be done to eliminate all the hassel. Plus, in the mean time, a person lets themself get very boring because they only talk about the situation at hand and how boring it is, and then the one feels far worse for being so boring and re-starts a self-centered circle of self-analyzation.
Take a breath, really its better to think about Halloween costumes or what the lint on the floor is the same shape as.
But then, I still start to think that maybe I am going to turn out like my Grandma who was in her late life, incredibly paranoid. She made good farina and nice paper snow flakes but was not up for much entertainment because she was a paranoid martyr. I need some advice on how to avoid this plight because I feel like becoming a paranoid martyr will not make history books and will be a bit of a bad life. (although once my grandma told me she cut her belly button out and threw it in the river, which I believed for many years and the dirty stream we pass on our way to the city from my parents' house still makes me think about thinking about where grandma's belly button ended up, floating downstream, or in an animal, and Ibet that grandma damma had a good laugh at that one.....)
Well, most of my life I think that I will always have a good time and then there are occasionally days when I get too much Jesus or something and get afraid that maybe I won't have as much fun as I deserve if I start getting too responsible. Most people that start paying bills and washing dishes and cleaning a lot turn out to be overly interested in tv and sleeping(this I do not find to be a valuable or admirable pair of hobbies)
all in all my dilemma is...
in working all the time I need to be organized.
in being organized I feel boring and unsatisfied.
but I feel unsatisfied and stressed if I am un-organized.
so....how does one become organized while maintaining the integrity of the spontaneous fun in their life that gives them ownership of their own life?
My best idea is to get rich and hire an accountant and a cleaning service. But usually you have to be organized to get rich right?
Maybe I should weegee up a philosopher to help me write a proof about this.
Nevermind, now that I have written this all out it seems so funny that I don't even feel worried anymore. I think I may go and enjoy something now. perhaps, spying on people at the beach, snacks, the search for the real life dracula, trying to find ghost tours under 50$, watering my plants. ...etc
.oh, and Lisa...
thank you for posting a response. My hair is quite good but I think I need a bang trim some time soon. how are you?
xo |
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| the luckiest, and this is my first time..... |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|01:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | pitchfork mix made by boy at my work | ] |
So, this is my first time writing in a live journal. I am not sure how I feel totally about this usage of (what my friend Erika calls interweb-old country accent must be applied to the word so it sounds like een ter veb) but I feel like the luckiest girl for being able have internet at all to access things like email and movie times and songs you can have for free and high speed information of all types that is not card cataloged...the interweb is like card catalog anarchy...what fabulous chaos. This year was decided at its inception to be the year that we are the luckiest, it started out fabulously but was followed up by quite a significant amount of sorrow for those that I know and sometimes the luckiest is hard to keep in mind but I'm trying. and the start of interweb seems quite fortunate, plus my artner (partner in hearts that I make projects with) has gotten a cellular phone so that I might reach him when he is at his other home to leave ridiculous messages that won't be intercepted by has family (who despises me) ..note. I think we may be forging him a journal called kortmania which will be dictated to me by he who does not enjoy to write....but another time.
I think that keeping your own ideas is important and I am used to paper without lines and usually my entries are mostly lists of ideas for projects and such that I don't want to disclose in such
a public forum unless they are already built. I'm reading this book called the Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon that is a journal written by a Japanese court lady in 976 and she makes hysterical lists of things she finds to be hateful, romantic, depressing...such as secret lovers who leave in the morning and make a lot of noise or put on their clothes in a disturbingly quickly way, this she views as distasteful behavior in a secret lover and categorizes as hateful. I am a big joural reader of others...some recommended journals/biographies/autobios being that of Anais Nin,W Abbie Hoffman and the troulesome autobiography of Alice B. Toklas written by Gertrude Stein. I also have to admit that I really enjoy reading Jack Kerouac's stories since they are mainly of his adventures and there is a very satisfying voyeuristic pleasure I find in reading about other people's adventures and weird secret behaviors...I think sometimes it is hard to really address the meaning in a day since we are so used to talking only in action...What did you do today? Well it hardly seems very satisfactory to tell one's companions that the fabulous day you've had consisted of watching the beach out the window(I live at the beach-another reason to remember the luckiest) or the fact that it is starting to be fall and you were pleasantly sad (not in an emo way.)about the reminiscing that what has been done in the past as is always done whenever the seasons change...its much easier to tell stories that are funny or sad....does it ever catch you severly off gard when someone asks you how you are and after you say "fine" they say, "no really, how are you?" It seems sometimes like you have to validate your story with a punchline found at the end of a crazy anecdote or an insane coincidence..which my friend Rob and I had 3 of today....so anyway I really like the pillow book notion, I like that she writes about what flowers she likes and that I priest should be good looking in order to hold the attention of the congregation so that they may absorb the message of his speech or the lord or whatever....and I have a powerbook, that shares half of the idea of pillowbook so I feel justified in listing my three weird coincidences.
I quit working for the metro doing flyering a long while back, but for some reason I cannot evade my reputation as a flyer girl and am consistently asked to continue this job. However this time Intuit, the outsider art gallery asked me to flyer this big benefit weekend they always have that I work. (Its this weekend at Gallery 2) so Rob and I were gallivanting around properly asking if we could leave morsels of paper all about the city. Last night Erika and Rob and I saw the Redmoon Sink Sank Sunk in Chinatown (this by the way is always fabulous, it took place by the river in an industrial area of Chinatown and had a flotilla with fire and lanterns and a curtain of flames that died down into kind of twinkley stars as the boats passed through) and we ran into this girl that ran the parade club I was part of.
Then today...I was telling Rob a story about her and explaining who she was and we turned a corner and saw her waiting caught in the moment right before she would walk through a door.
Many things happened between this and coincidence 2. But during that time the velvet underground song Stephanie Says was playing...I have been claiming that there is a stereo totale song that is exactly the same music with different words and needing to prove myself I played it...So I was telling Rob that this boy in my bookmaking class always told me to go to see Stereo Totale and I never listened to it until my friend Erin brought it one day. As we were leaving earwax (the restaurant) after leaving my stack of papers...that boy came running out (who I have not seen for a long time) to say hello and tell me about his new record company and what not.
So this is all very funny but we proceeded to encounter run in no. 3 in a shoe store looking at back to school shoes when we turn to see our pal Erika who lives very far north where I do, all the way west, looking at a pair of metallic green ballet shoes...and Rob had even been thinking about the fact that we had seen so many people from the Art Institute that it would be funny to see her. I like when your day gives itself order like that...regardless if it means anything or not. Probably not but it feels like that which will mean something later.....and reevaluation is what journals and pillowbooks are perfectly good for. on that note I should get back to being an old lady....I like to watch the people on the beach like the crow, to make sure everything is as it should be...and tend to my plants and do some sort of crafty thing and read sei shonagon and try to see if I can remember my dreams......good night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2004|06:33 pm] |
Hi!
Sharlene made me do this! |
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meldamage's journal